Mamma was a strong believer in heredity, and she believed our family’s German heritage predisposed us to two things: hard work and stubbornness. The gene for hard work lay pretty low in us kids while we were growing up, but stubbornness kicked in fast.
So one might say that what happened one summer evening in the late 1940s was all our ancestors’ doing.
Daddy was getting ready to go to a church board meeting. Four-year-old Davie wanted to go to the board meeting too. (Right from the start, Davie liked to go places, while Mamma, Daddy, and I liked to stay places.) We explained that board meetings were for grownups only. He still wanted to go. We explained that board meetings were for board members only. He still wanted to go. We all stood around the bedroom, while Daddy knotted his tie and combed his hair, and we took turns explaining what a miserable time Davie would have at a board meeting. By that time the conversation was getting heated and tears were beginning to flow, but also by that time Daddy was ready to leave and it was time to leave, so he left.
I watched the cloud of dust as the little black Chevy coupe sped up the hill next to our Montana farmhouse. And then I noticed at the rear of the dust cloud a tiny figure. Davie on his tricycle was bravely pedaling after. Clearly he intended to tricycle the five miles to the board meeting.
I watched him for several minutes. He got up some pretty good speed on the slope down toward the creek. But then the hill began, and the lower part of the hill was almost vertical. The tricycle wheels moved slower and slower, but Davie’s legs were still pushing. Davie wasn’t giving up.
About that time I thought to tell Mamma, and she realized what I had not: if a car should come swooping down that hill, it would mash Davie and his tricycle flat before the driver even saw them. Mamma was off like a shot, and I was able to observe the result of two objects with the same trajectory traveling at different rates of speed.
Davie was surprisingly docile once Mamma landed on him, and it appeared he had been defeated, but he had not. His views were unchanged. He still thought going was better than staying and going places on wheels was better than anything else.
About the Author
Go STEAMIN’ DOWN THE TRACKS WITH VIOLA HOCKENBERRY, a storytelling cookbook — and find Montana country cooking, nostalgic stories, and gift ideas — at Janette Blackwell’s Food and Fiction, http://foodandfiction.com/Entrance.html — or visit her Delightful Food Directory, http://delightfulfood.com/main.html
Dothan, AL - You know (or maybe you don’t know) I always believe that if you want something you must proclaim it, believe it, and then go after it with all you have.
So, direct from my “how could I go through life without writing about this department”, I must tell you about one of the truest forms of proclaiming good things that I know of. Near Dothan, there’s a little town called Enterprise.
I guess, by virtue of the name, the forefathers proclaimed an enterprising mentality for the people who live there. So much so, that from 1910 to 1915 when the Boll Weevil was eating up all the cotton crops in the Enterprise area, those enterprising farmers started planting all different sorts of things like peanuts, and corn and they suddenly realized more prosperity than they’d ever known before. And, in case you didn’t know it, raking in tons of money tends to make people very, very happy and very grateful.
They were so grateful to the Boll Weevil for ruining the cotton crops and forcing them to diversify their plantings (and helping them make huge deposits in the banks) that they erected a statue right in the center of town in honor of the Boll Weevil.
You heard me right, there’s a statue in Enterprise, AL in honor of a bug. You know, I could end this article right here because I think a bug statue is pretty funny all by itself. But I can’t stop now, my editor requires at least 700 words and we have a ways to go–so fasten your seatbelts.
I know by now you’re probably trying to visualize what a bug statue must look like. Well, this isn’t just a big plaster bug, it’s a statue that looks an awful lot like that green lady in the New York harbor, but in this case, instead of a torch she’s holding a platter over her head with a big bug on it.
Do you see anything wrong with this picture (err, I mean statue)? Besides the fact that this statue honors a bug. I challenge you to show me any women in the south that would stand that close to a bug. Maybe there are women that like bugs that much, but I really don’t want to meet them. But, for arguments sake let’s say the lady didn’t mind standing that close to the bug, would she put it over her head? Better yet, would she let the bug sit on one of her china platters? I don’t think so, least not the women in my family.
I don’t know how many times my Grandmother called me to go to her house to find a bug that she had seen at some point during the day. I’d usually arrive to find her standing on a chair describing this bug as if it was an escapee from Jurassic Park. Whenever that happened a bug had to die, even if I had to go in the yard a find some innocent creature to dispose of. Otherwise, she wouldn’t even sleep in the house. Imagine what the Boll Weevil monument would look like if they used my Grandmother as the model for the statue.
So, maybe choosing a woman holding a bug is not the best choice, but we mustn’t forget that this statue honors a very hard time for some hardworking, “enterprising” farmers, and yet they were grateful. Amazing!
I think placing a reminder that good things can come out of bad times is something we all need to remember. If many of us look back, in almost every case hardships resulted in better times. So why not build statues honoring bugs? I’m beginning to believe it is a good idea.
So, let the good people of Enterprise, AL remind us that a bump in the road is not the end of the road. Maybe it’s just the comparison between bad times and good times that make us so grateful. That’s why, when you’re visiting Enterprise, you’re likely to hear someone say “Fear No Weevil”… I couldn’t agree more.
Wow, 700 words about a bug statueI’m good!
Ya’ll come!
To find out more about David Zack Holmes and read other features, visit http://www.davidzackholmes.com/
There is a growing number of Americans who are sick and tired of the Sierra Club’s attack on the country and their incessant lawsuits. One of the biggest jokes out West is when people talk about the Spotted Owl. The spotted owl was on the endangered species list for years and each time a business wanted to cut down a tress for timber or to expand a business or build a log cabin, the Sierra Club would sue if they did not include in their Environmental Impact Report EIR they effect this would have on the spotted owl.
Many a construction project, much need pipeline, utility power poll or road was not build due to the effect this might have on the hunting grounds of the Spotted Owl. Recently I was in a coffee shop and I was discussing with a friend the abusive lawsuits and junk court filings of the spotted owl. He asked me if I knew what those spots were for?
I told him know, that I assumed it was like a Zebra or any other species which had such markings, it may have had some evolutionary reason for attracting a mate or possibly to blend into the scenery like camouflage to aid in hunting or to keep from being hunted. He said no silly. The real reason that those owls have spots is so you line up your rifle sights on them. They are like targets he explained.
Well we both had a laugh, but then he said well we are going to have to kill them anyway. I asked why? He said they are very prone to be carriers of Bird Flu. Not sure if that is true but it kind of makes sense. Think on it.
“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/
I love women.
Wait a minute. Let’s get this started on the good foot so as not to knock my wife off her axis. Love you baby. What I mean is that I love what women bring into this world. Smiles, love, laughter. Creativity. Sweet kisses and soft hands. But more literally, they bring us children. Children are what keeps us moving onward and upward in our society. Not only that, but they are a constant (beautiful) reminder of the pain that every woman, barren or fertile, must endure on a regular basis.
I’m not only talking about childbirth, but the oppressive ailment that affects womankind during the years of safe babymaking when she isn’t carrying a little person inside. After that, minor afflictions such as hormone imbalances and hot flashes take over. Those years, I hear, are somewhat more golden.
Men do not understand what it means to suffer in this way. Aside from any illness, we do not have a built in disorder that provokes us to lash out, mainly at the opposite sex, in an attempt to balance the proverbial imbalance caused by this demon that rears its head faithfully on a daily basis. Well, maybe not daily for you women, but for us men it is an accepted truth that we will face at least one situation with the female species who is suffering from this incurable disease.
I love women. Let me explain.
Women are a sweet, fragile, thoughtful and highly emotional work of art who should be cherished and loved and treated with the utmost respect and generosity and looked upon as a most beautiful flower. We men have a hard time grasping this concept sometimes. Many times. Ok, all the time. We seem to never get it right. We sincerely try to be soft gentle guy but we all have experienced this very intimate exchange. For example, the man will say to his honey, “I want to take you out for dinner tonight. Where would you like to go?”
“WHAT did you DO??!” she replies, as if his invitation was meant to be a distraction from an earlier wrongdoing on his part. After taking a couple of steps backward from the sheer force of her words, he regains his fortitude and recovers nicely, if not just a little shaken, for the next round.
As he begins to sweat from the fear she has put in him through the glare in her eyes, he replies, “I don’t..know. I was thinking you, about you, and I, I thought I would give you a break from tonight, cooking? What are you in the mood for?”
She looks at her husband disdainfully for what seems to be an hour - then begins to cry. “Are you saying I’m moody? I am NOT! I am perfectly fine and would appreciate it if you would stop saying all these mean things to me!”
Men, we all know at this point there is no defense to defend us in this battle as we lie defenseless. We have seriously offended our offender in a very offensive manner as if there were no greater offense. Somehow, this beast has managed to turn the glorious, glowing woman figure into a menacing intimidator and made us to be the weak, lame, beaten…man(?) creature. All this in less than 30 seconds.
Women may say men don’t have any legitimate source of natural pain in their lives to lay claim to. But I speak for all men when I say: isn’t this suffering enough? Is there no sadder picture than that of a man who is feeble and exposed, covered in the poisonous muck of the woman’s emotional regurgitation, devoid of any strength to attempt even the most humble sort of comeback, if only to restore his fading sense of manhood? We’ve all been there, man. And we will inevitably be there on countless future occasions. Furthermore, we shall not overcome.
Respect to all the brave men in the world who consistently come up against this beast and keep coming back for more. After all, what else are you going to do? Go forth and suffer greatly as all men should.
©2003 warmCHiL WORLDWiDE / Five Inch Fro Entertainment
I don’t consider myself a writer. I only speak from my heart - it doesn’t lie.
One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that’s available. It’s also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:
1. Screaming Banshee — We’ve all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there’s a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn’t matter what the exercise or weight is — he’s screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.
2. The Strainer — The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It’s truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it’s hard to look away.
After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. “That’s one!” Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don’t bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You’ll only be greeted with a nasty glare.
3. iPod Head Banger — this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.
The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you’ll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.
4. Stanley Steamer — it’s hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it’s right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.
He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he’s sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. “Great for the pores!” he’ll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!
5. Ken and Barbie — there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent “maintenance mode” for they’re training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!
No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.
6. Chatty Cathy — Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are.
She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call — any call — which soon arrives without fail.
She’ll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a “workout”. She’ll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she’s parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.
7. Swiss Ball Magician — this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!
They’re on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they’re around and try to cop some of their moves.
All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.
Rich Rojas
Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas
It’s time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don’t get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me…
“And what if?” you may be thinking.
“What if what?” I may be thinking back to you.
“What if a skeleton complained?” you may clarify.
Obviously if that were the case, then I’d use my skeleton key to lock the door. There’s nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature…
Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it — along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it’d be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o’ snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time…
If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:
Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.
Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.
Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.
Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell “cast” to eliminate the problem.
It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it…
But I digress.
Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)
1. Sahib is English (The Master)
2. Sahib’s Godfather - German (The Anglo-Saxon Connection)
3. Sahib’s Friend - American (As they often go out together to drop bombs)
4. Sahib’s rival-cum-enemy - French (Whom Sahib’s the most jealous with)
5. Sahib’s Son - Australian (Who is so similar to Sahib)
6. Sahib’s Daughter - New Zealander (Who’s Papa’s girl)
7. Sahib’s Disciple - South African (Who’s learnt racism from Sahib)
8. Sahib’s (often mistreated) Brother - Scottish (Whom Sahib’s smartly united with)
9. Sahib’s Sister - Canadian (Who’s managed to maintain her relationship with Sahib)
10. Sahib’s Wife - Welsh (Whom Sahib’s politically married with)
11. Sahib’s Girlfriend - Spanish (Whom Sahib flirts with)
12. Sahib’s Mistress - Northern Irish (Whom Sahib’s claimed as his own for sheer enjoyment)
13. Sahib’s Manufacturer - Japanese (Who makes cars for Sahib)
14. Sahib’s Guineapig - Iraqi (Who’s a victim of Sahib’s research on warfare)
15. Sahib’s Spy - Pakistani (Who, of course, spies for Sahib)
16. Sahib’s Teacher - Roman (Who taught Sahib how to rule the world)
17. Sahib’s Coolie - Indian (Who told Sahib that he is Sahib)
About the Author
Living with Sahib
1. Which is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. Flight
C. Volery
D. Swarm
D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds!
2. Which of these is a fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia
C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!
3. Which bird is NOT a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
C. Hobby
D. Kestrel
B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian or African birds of the genus Francolinus, related to and resembling the quails and partridges, which are actually the intended victims of birds of prey!
4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. A murder
B. A clutch
C. A clutter
D. A Sleuth
A. A murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a clutter of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.
5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu
C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know they are omnivorous, eating grass, foliage, and any small animals they can chase down?
6. The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait?
A. They are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. They are birds of prey
D. They are featherless birds
A. They are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbird.
7. Which is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Brace
B. Flock
C. Skein
D. Team
C. Skein
TBD: Actually that was pretty tricky as you can have a skein of geese…
8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three
D. Three
TBD: They have an upper lid resembling that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, that sweeps across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This lid is a thin, translucent fold of skin that moistens and cleans the eye and protects it from wind and bright light.
9. Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5,000 miles
D. 1,000 miles
A. 20,000 miles
TBD: That’s further than many humans travel in their lifetime!
10. Can you guess how many known species of birds there are?
A. 100
B. 1,000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000
C. 10,000
TBD: This includes all modern or recently extinct species.
I got an email today from Brad Callen. Whether you know who he is or not - doesn’t really matter; name-dropping isn’t my style. I’ve got better things to do. His email was about creating a new image, making that image sell, and promoting the image over the Internet. The purpose being to create a brand, market the brand, and promote it to sufficiency. His Brand “Coolest Guy on the Planet” works. If you look it up online, it’s being promoted left and right with new contendants vying for the title.
Finding a title, promoting it, and building it to effective acceptance world wide isn’t difficult with the Internet and current publication rates. It wasn’t a far reach to figure out the next step and create the coolest woman on the planet image At the top of the heap looking out past the rest of the world and wondering why anyone would really want to sit there looking at bad hair partings - seems the place everyone wants to be?
Now - to be honest Brad’s anti-thesis to the world is managing to top all the search engine optimizers and acquire a title, while self-proclaiming his fame. Earning his right to that title was as simple as making his site first on the Search Engine when you search for “Wall Tapestries” - plop right there he is, top of the heap, looking out on bad hair partings. I suppose it’s one step further up than delving into low hanging britches, but who really cares? When he points out that his ranking is also first for “Coolest guy on the planet” my piddly brain went to work and said, “Folks who make that search will make one more and I can determine the results of their search. Because ultimately - my purpose is to create Dynamic Content for the Internet while making a few bucks a day, sharing great wisdom, insights, and attributes - all through the production of great content online.”
So, while Brad Callen may well be the coolest guy on the planet, he’s got the wrong body parts to fill the other side of that coin. Coolest Woman on the Internet must be female. Other titles, earned through the effectiveness of brand formation and development are available; what’s your title goal? What label do you want to wear?
In Five simple steps, here’s how the brand gets started:
1. Proclaimed the title with an irresistible smile.
2. Determined to match wits with the coolest guy on the planet.
3. Wrote this article and posted it to http://www.ezinearticles.com.
4. Developed a message worthy of being read - with valuable insight to personal branding and marketing
5. Sent out an email and a few messages on some favorite sites inviting folks to view the “Coolest Woman on the Planet” with a link to blogs promoting the plan.
And that’s how it all happened.
Your mission is quite clear. You’ve read the article, probably laughed your way through it - it is rather silly to think anyone could presume such a title and have any credibility at all. Branding is a promotional ideology of marketing. Now, you’ll just have to visit the link and see if you agree? I believe it works - http://janverhoeffonline.blogspot.com
Years ago, Rush Limbaugh coined the term “adult beverages” to refer to alcoholic drinks. Yet millions of dittoheads across the Fruited Plain lacked a guide for making the best adult beverages. So I created The Dittohead’s Guide to Adult Beverages, a collection of humorous dittohead recipes such as the Rio Linda Rouser, EIB Ecstasy Elixir, Club G’itmo Guzzler, and many more!
Just try out these great recipes:
DEAD WHITE GUY GINGER ALE
Glass: A Clay Bowl Stolen from Native Americans (by dead white conquistadors)
Ingredients:
1 Part Vodka (a colorless ingredient symbolizing white European oppression) 3 Parts Ginger Ale (containing blood-thirsty, intolerant, white supremacist sugar) A Splash of White Wine (reminiscent of Napoleonic French imperialism) A Splash of Lemon-Lime Juice (made from fruit hand-picked by indentured servants) A Dash of Sugar (due to safety concerns, no brown sugar allowed)
Instructions: While attending a college seminar on multiculturalism, with an emphasis on Native American, Afro-centric lesbian poetry, combine ingredients in a clay bowl stolen from Native Americans. Consume on Columbus Day while attacking white males who have the audacity to continue to breathe.
Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of Christopher Columbus - a capitalist, European bigot responsible for the death and murder of eighty trillion pacifist, nature-loving Native Americans (and a man whose lone accomplishment was the “discovery” of someone else’s backyard).
Special Warning: Under no circumstances should you add brown sugar to this adult beverage, as it is sure to be ravaged and destroyed by the racist, imperialist, homophobic white sugar already present in the ginger ale.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION AMBROSIA
Glass: A Measuring Cup (to ensure precise fulfillment of quotas)
Ingredients:
0 Parts Light Rum (using light rum is insensitive to minority rums) 3 Parts Dark Rum (to rectify the past injustice of rampant light rum preferences) 3 Parts Soda (cola is preferred over a lighter soda, such as Sprite) Quotas That Aren’t “Quotas” (except that they really are quotas)
Instructions: While throwing an “affirmative action bake sale” on a local college campus, or campi (the preferred EIB plural form for those of you in Rio Linda), combine ingredients in a measuring cup. Consume while labeling as “racist” any of your friends or companions who dare to add light rum to their favorite adult beverages.
Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of government-sanctioned discrimination. Make sure that you don’t add light rum to this adult beverage when dark rum is available instead. Failure to do so may result in court-ordered sensitivity training.
Special Note: A firm supporter of government-sanctioned discrimination, the NAALCP (National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored People) dreams of the day when prohibition will be re-instituted in America - with only “light” rum banished from the shores of the United States.
P.S. Forward this page to 15,067 Rush Limbaugh fans in the next 7 minutes or you will be stricken with eight agonizing years of a Hillary Clinton presidency and/or the appointment of Ted “The Swimmer” Kennedy as your designated driver!
