The Texas Trail
A few weeks ago I received an email from my ISP company. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a company which hosts websites. This particular organisation is very large and very well known. I’ll call it ‘Wahoo!’ The email was to the effect that due to an error on their part, Wahoo! had not been billing me for the last six months. Since the fault was theirs they were going to cut their losses and not charge me.
Very civilized of them to write off the back-payments like that, I thought, and then I forgot about it for a week in my usual efficient manner. After all, we were only talking about a few dollars a month. A week after the first bland and kindly email another one came. No more Mr Nice Guy. This one announced that Wahoo! intended to delete my site in three days, and would I like to back up my files? Ok, I thought, no problem. I should have backed up my files some time ago; this would teach me a lesson.
It was only when I sat down to begin saving my pages that I realized I didn’t know how to do it! I called in a friend who was attending an evening class in computer maintenance, and he couldn’t do it either. I should explain here that I started my website two years ago and there were now 112 pages on it. Some of these were link pages and some contained only one image (enlargements of smaller images), but still - a lot of pages.
Having begun in complete ignorance I’d like to think that now I’m almost an expert in designing web pages, or at least my own pages, although I’m not sure I would have started at all if I’d known how much work was involved. On the other hand I’m not so good on the basic, ordinary computer operations, as I was finding out.
By this time the cut-off point was just two days away and it was the week-end, as it always is when the ship starts to sink. I now pressed the panic button. You know when Ripley clicks home the detonater in ‘Alien’ and the klaxon starts up, the ship fills with steam and that annoying ’speaking clock’ voice starts to count down the seconds? That was me. (Nobody can hear you scream in your computer room). At least Ripley had a gun the size of a small car to give her confidence. Anyway, I finally managed to find a professional who was willing to give up his week-end to help out - for a price. Even he took a day to figure out how to save my pages.
I’d never phoned Wahoo! before but now I thought I ought to contact them to explain that I’d been working on my site for two years and surely it would be better for them to keep my domain open and just accept a payment from my visa card.
For some reason I’d always thought Wahoo! was in California, perhaps Silicon Valley, but they turned out to be in Texas, which I suppose explains why they call themselves Ya… I mean Wahoo! Anyway, after I’d tapped in the usual half-a-dozen choices via my phone keys, I finally got through to the right department. The girl on the line was pleasant, helpful and informative. She even told me that it was raining in Texas. I said I didn’t think it ever rained in Texas and did she know that Dallas was named after my little village (pop. 200)in Scotland? She said no, but she thought Houston was named after Sam Houston.
That was really the high point of the conversation. She finished by saying that my site was due to be axed in twenty-four hours and that, much as she regretted it, there was nothing she or anybody else could do about it. However, I was welcome to upload as many pages as I liked after I had re-registered, and have a nice day.
Well, I know when I’m beaten. I could feel the weight of a mighty corporation behind her words, like you do when a policeman pulls you over. Ok, I thought, let’s try a small company, and why not one that’s a little closer to Scotland than the Lone Star state.
I chose one in England. I explained my problem on the phone and the guy said they had a very efficient, friendly service, so I paid my subscription and signed up. That was five days ago and I’ve not been able to contact them on the phone since. Hmm…
Meanwhile Ya… I mean Wahoo! have re-installed my site address, minus the contents, so I now have two websites - both empty.
Yep, looks like it’s gonna be a long, hard winter.Herd ‘em up, move ‘em out - Yahoo!
James Collins
http://www.pet-portraits-scotland.com
email: collinsdallasart@tiscali.co.uk
About the Author
James Collins is an artist, writer and musician who lives in the Scottish Highlands. These days he specialises in portraits of pets and other animals, but he still finds time to paint and draw the beautiful and rugged landscape of Scotland. He lives with his wife, daughter and three dogs in a house overlooking the Moray Firth.
Space exploration came a long way since I was the size of a measurable amount of it.
I remember with some pain, my first ride on a penny farthing with its big wheel and long spokes that were well engineered to cut a foot or two off anyone’s legs.
With good timing though, I used my head and saved my legs.
Anyway, I’m a long time looking and can see nothing in space worth a damn.
What would keep it up?
Some viagra from venus? I don’t think so!
Even if there was anything up there, who put it there? And how did they put it there? I never believed that Alien conspiracy business and often thought that a man that couldn’t speak his mind, couldn’t conquer much.
As for an Alien being green and skinny; we’ve killed many things that looked like mal-formed frogs and ate the best of them!
To think that a white frog would be any more capable, is crazy. What difference would his color be to a mortal with an empty belly and color-blindness issues?
Rubbish, the lot of it!
As well as that, couldn’t anyone make up anything about a place that we can’t see? Like, above the sky for example.
Bring it down, and show it to me, is what I say.
Is there oil up there? I doubt it. If there was, wouldn’t it come down with the rain?
Gold or silver? The same goes for that.
Gas? Okay, there might be gas, but in my experience it is best to leave it there or bury it as was done generations ago.
Someone found a bacteria on Mars, if they did. They could have got it anywhere and its not like bacteria are known to break under interrogation. I’d say that you could get the strongest truth serum and the best you could hope for is a wet bacteria as well as an empty bottle.
So, I ask you; what is up there worth a damn and who would put it there if it was?
And the exploration of space might be a waste of petrol, frog after-taste pills, truth serum and re-location papers for suspicious bacteria.
About the Author
Thick Mick is an “expert” columnist with www.TheTrivialTimes.com
The Trust Issue in Marketing
by Darrin F. Coe, MA
copyright 2004
One of the prime motivating factors in the purchase decision making process is “trust”. A consumer will at some point for however long or short of a time, ask the question, “Can I trust this company/person/product?”
In today’s ever-changing world of marketing, electronic media, email, and advertising innovations and intrusions, companies, and businesses are marketing to an ever increasingly suspicious consumer, who is conflicted between their desire not to be “sold” to and their desire to consume. They are looking for ways to establish believability, credibility, and trust.
According to a paper by the Peppers and Rogers Group (2004), 36% of major U.S. corporations view privacy as an important part of the company’s brand image.
It is my belief based on consumer thinking that one way to develop a competitive edge in the marketing world is to place greater emphasis on tying privacy policy to brand. This strategy places a direct link between trust and purchase while developing the beginnings of long-term relationship.
I suggest highlighting your privacy policy in all your marketing in a way that makes privacy, trust, and your brand synonymous. Let the consumer know that here is a business that will respect your privacy. Let them know that your communication with them will be relevant to their consumer needs. And you can let them know that information they share with your business will be used to better meet their needs and will not, knowingly be used against them, sold, or given to third parties.
It might even be smart to develop a short marketing campaign that focuses on your commitment to your customer’s privacy, instead of simply stating that you have a privacy policy or stating your policy in unreadable font at the bottom of your literature.
About 50 % of consumers today have little more knowledge than brand or product recognition and have little desire to acquire extra information about a brand or product, so it behooves the marketing community to link recognition of their brand to trust, safety, and advocacy. Instead of selling to consumers, target your marketing to help them believe that you are making them safer and more secure by purchasing your brand and then back it up!
Darrin F. Coe, MA is a mental health professional, a weekly columnist, and the author of “micro loans: finance your dreams available at http://dcoe1.tripod.com/microfinance. Contact him at coe@ris.net or http://dcoe1.tripod.com
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Darrin Coe is a mental health professional, weekly columnist, and author of “micro loans: finance your dreams” available at http://dcoe1.tripod.com/microfinance contact him at coe@ris.net or http://dcoe1.tripod.com
Copyright “The Quipping Queen” 2005.
MARCH MADNESS & MERRIMENT!
– Or, eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in March 2005 –
**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon
Let’s see…it’s March. According to the Calendar of Quips, it’s definitely the third month of twelve, (which means we’re only one quarter of our way through the “Year of the Rooster”).
If you’re not the blessed big bird ruling the roost this year, then you’d better be really good at counting your chicks before they hatch.
On second thought, it’s probably not a wise idea to rely on anyone laying the proverbial golden egg on your doorstep anytime soon.
And whatever you do, don’t resort to any whining, snivelling, or whimpering tactics. There are no “wet-blanket appreciation days” this month!
So, fling your frowns on a fire, toss your troubles away, and while you’re at it, why not try kicking up platform heels or doing a little soft shoe routine for a change!
Now that you’ve got your glad rags on, join in the festivities of MARCH MADNESS & MERRIMENT!!
NOTE: Those with an allergic reaction to good times should definitely stay home and play mind games with their pets, or watch TV shows featuring “lifestyles of old coots and curmudgeons”, home renovation tips for couch potatoes, or how to impress guests with your favorite KD comfort food.
MARCH MADNESS & MERRIMENT EVENTS & CELEBRATIONS
1. MAD HATTER APPRECIATION DAY (If you’re late for a very important date who really cares? Put on your old TV rabbit ears, trap-door sleepers, and of wear a terrific smile!)
2. PISCES AWARENESS DAY (If you see a floundering fish or one swimming in two directions, you’ve hooked a Pisces; throw it back in the drink and try to jig a puffer!)
3. MOPS ‘N’ MUSTACHCHIOS DAY (Time to wax poetic with your mop or create a handle-bar mustache to impress a secret admirer or fend off the Hobgoblin from Heck)
4. EVERYONE’S ENTITLED TO MY OPINION DAY (Be a bit lippy or ludicrous, and sally or sashay forth to add your two cents worth about the level of customer service at your local Passion Pit-Stop or your last trip to “Cloud Nine”)
5. FLUFF APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those who excel in the art of bureaucratic bafflegab, delightful double-speak, and silver-tongued titillations)
6. BAGPIPE MUSIC APPRECIATION DAY (A fine way to appreciate the mellifluous melodies of gifted wind bags and ancient bladders …knowing full well why someone invented a convenient dampening device commonly known as “ear-plugs”)
7. NEVER ON A MONDAY (It’s time to loosen your collar, let your hair down, and break another house or workplace rule just for fun!)
8. SHOPPING QUEEN FOR A DAY (It’s fabulous feline appreciation day …time to use your credit card to buy all those sparkly little gems for sale on the TV Shopping Channel)
9. QUAGMIRE APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the “stick-in-the-muds” you know in the great swamp, blessed bog or quick-sand-box of life …don’t forget to say Hello and wave as you walk, jog or race by with a big beautiful smile on your face!)
10. PODUNK APPRECIATION DAY (A skill-testing occasion to see how many small, remote, isolated towns you can name without any help from a friend, family member or a former teacher)
11. FORTUNE COOKIE APPRECIATION DAY (It’s time to pay tribute to those tasteless wisecracking tidbits you crack open after a meal of tofu and stir-fried thingamabobs)
12. LOVE HANDLE & WATTLE APPRECIATION DAY (Never too late to flaunt your flab is it? Just make sure that it’s legal …you don’t want a night in the slammer do you!)
13. SLINKY TOY DAY (A wonderful way to bring back munchkin memories or amuse your bored, adult, inner nitwit when all hell is breaking lose at home or at work)
14. SILLY-SYSTEMS THINKING DAY (Time to write easy-to-understand instructions so any baby-boomer you know can program his/her brand-new DVD player or assemble a piece of ready-to-assemble furniture without losing one’s hair or sanity)
15. IDES OF MARCH (Time to don your toga or toad outfit and spit tacks, peas or sunflower seeds at anyone you please …if that doesn’t work, get on your cell phone and do your rendition of, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear…”)
16. COWABUNGA DAY (Okay, now that you’ve strapped on your leather chaps and sharp spurs, you can tell our favorite cow pie story!)
17. LITTLE LEPRECHAUN DAY (Time to put on your hunter green tights, color your hair lime green, and spread lots of blarney in honor of a dandy dude named “St. Patrick” or was it “Dermot the Love Spot”?)
18. FLYING SAUCER APPRECIATION DAY (The only day when everyone can be an expert about strange goings on in the universe, crop circles, or the basement next door)
19. DWEEB APPRECIATION DAY (in recognition of all the wonky wunderkinds you know who haven’t got a clue how to install computer software or paint by numbers)
20. RED DWARF & GREEN KNIGHT APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of the first day of spring, and odd things going on in the Forest among the weird keepers of the Holy Grail)
21. GIVE ME A BREAK DAY (A truly exceptional occasion to cash in on your “Get Out of Jail” free card, or a “Dog House Day Pass” from your modest outdoor accommodation of late)
22. CALL IN WELL DAY (Take advantage of your frightfully fabulous mental health these days and just goof-off for an afternoon at the beach, on the golf course, or sitting in your throne room reading your favorite comic books and munching on junk food)
23. OF COURSE I’M RIGHT DAY (Finally, it’s your turn to be King Canute or Queen Bee of the Castle, as long as you remember, there’s a price to pay for everything! Like, tomorrow does not have your name written all over it!!)
24. DINGBAT FELLOWSHIP DAY (A time to honor all the off-the-wall folk you know and love …just like that long-lost Davy Crockett hat, polka dot hat and pink shoe laces, or that plastic hoola hoop you’ve got hidden in the closet)
25. SOPPY SONG AWARD DAY (Time to honor maudlin melodies, long-winded lyrics, soppy songs that should never have been written)
26. ARIES AWARENESS DAY (In honor of all those Mars-ruled brash, bossy beasts or barn-burning types you know — not to be confused with other the ‘ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong’ folk among your quaint circle of acquaintances)
27. WHITE RABBIT DAY (Okay if you see a floppy-eared, good-natured furry critter hopping down the bunny trail, it must be Easter. So drop your big stick, give it a carrot and whatever you do think good thoughts and make a big wish - it’s your lucky day!)
28. LONG NECK AND NOSE APPRECIATION DAY (This is a rather fine way to honor giraffes, geese, or other Pinocchio-like members of your menagerie afflicted with a curiosity gene disorder)
29. TACKY TROPHY DAY (A terrific time to craft your own tacky trophy or titillating talking stick designed to honor anyone who tells the best jokes or funny anecdotes in town)
30. BEDSIDE & BIFFY BOOKWORM DAY (An excellent occasion to compare with family, friends and colleagues, just what bodacious boudoir or breathtaking biffy books they’re reading these days)
31. BOFFOLA RECOGNITION DAY (Time to use those gag lines that have been clogging up your email inbox - but only if they they’re guaranteed to produce a hearty laugh or make a big hit your cube farm or barnyard of life)
About the Author
Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and Lord Earl Craboon are frequent-fops-for-hire who, from time to time, provide much needed comic relief in the constipated Court of “The Quipping Queen” at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
IT’S SEPTEMBER SILLY!
Or, 30 thrilling things to do this month!
Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon
September is the 9th month of the year. No one has a clue why they call it “Sept”ember meaning “seventh” in French, instead of “Neuf” meaning “ninth”.
Obviously “The Association for the Correct Name of Things” hasn’t got around to fixing this error. They have many more important things to do, such as coming up with a name for the newest planet in the solar system.
Anyway, “neuf” or not, remember to get the little nippers off to school on time, and then hot-foot into work with a perky smile on your face before your boss hands you a pink slip this month.
Well now that we’ve got all that yucky-pooh stuff out of the way, we can all begin to have some fun. After all, we’ve only got another couple of months before celebrating Halloween, Thanksgiving and the biggest gift-giving bonanza of them all!
In the meantime, we’ll just practice our prattle n’ puck skills this month just to limber up for the good times ahead.
So without further whatnot and wherefore, just join in and have a ball over the next 30 days doing what comes naturally.
SNICKERING EVENTS & CELEBRATIONS FOR THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER
September 1: National No Footwear Day (Sponsored by the “Kid-in-All-Of-Us” & “Pleasure-Seeking Podiatrists Association of America”)
September 2: Virgo Appreciation Day (Time to honor all those cranky, dogmatic, eccentric, over-demanding, prudish, untidy yet earthy potted plant lover types you know)
September 3: Ever Wonder What the Romans Did When the Coliseum Was Closed Day (An excellent time to design & build your fuel-efficient soap-box derby vehicle)
September 4: National Back-To-School Pencil Sharpening Tournament (A “must” for every parent, student, and teacher…that leaves the rest of us off the hook thank god!)
,b>September 5: Apple Polishing Day (For those who don’t like kissing butts!)
September 6: Loose Goose & Moose Appreciation Day (Every household, organization, and neighborhood has at least one of these rare beasts - shake their hands!)
September 7: Say the Magic Word Day (Choose your name …and ask who has the key to opening “Pandora’s Box” or “Sesame’s”)
September 8: National Adopt-A-Mail Box Day (Time to honor the snail mail postal service in your neighborhood by giving your blessed box a funky name)
September 9: International One-Foot Marathon Day (Let’s see if the entire planet can jump up and down on one foot without complaining or making everything go tilt)
September 10: Is Your Biological Clock Ticking on Time Day? (Time to calibrate your internal clock - can you tell when 5 minutes is up without looking at a watch?)
September 11: Ancestor Story-Telling Day (Time to trot out the old family photo album and hear those tacky tales about Great Uncle Hoo-Hoo and Granny Weeple)
September 12: Grant Me One Wish Day (If the Wizard of Wit & Wonder said you could choose one warm and fuzzy thing…what would it be besides hiking across Antarctica with the love of your life?)
September 13: Funny Money Awareness Day (Time to see how many vendors will accept poker chips, Monopoly game money, or Canadian Tire coupons in lieu of the real thing?)
September 14: Silent Screen Appreciation Day (Time to turn your boob-tube off and twiddle your fingers, go for a walk, talk to a tree or a pet, or play a smashing game of marbles).
September 15: Duct Tape Appreciation Day (In honor of all the wonderful things you can do with this stuff that’s never appeared in a handy-man’s guide to building a birdhouse)
September 16: National “Wing It” Day (Time to join the “improv” group at work, at home, or in your neighborhood just to see the look on everyone’s faces!)
September 17: National Seat-Swapping Day (In honor of those who can’t sing a note, can’t do the bunny hop, and can’t walk on water …but adore playing “Musical Chairs”)
September 18: Sir Galahad Appreciation Day (What would the Round Table be without the best carpet knight in town?)
September 18: Little Bo Peep Appreciation Day (In honor of leaders who appear to have lost their flock, haven’t got a clue where to find them, let alone what to say to bring them back into the fold …other than enjoying the benefits of a great new MLM product)
September 19: Power Napping Recognition Day (Time to honor what gets most of the plebes, pundits and power-brokers through the day without loosing their cool or their marbles)
September 20: The Dog Ate My Assignment/Project Day (Time to honor every excuse given in the book as to why something wasn’t delivered on time, sponsored by EROS - the Excuse-Ridden Organization of Sloths)
September 21: Bat Woman, Bionic Woman & Xena Warrior Day (What would the world be without these indefatigable feisty feline fighters for freedom from kitchen duties if you please!)
September 22: Autumn Leaf Recognition Day (Time to hunt for the biggest frigging dead leaf you can find; dry it out, mount it on some paper and hang it on a wall - frankly it’s better than an etching, and you can call yourself a nature-lover if anyone cares to ask)
September 23: Popcorn & Bubble-Bath Day (When all is said and done…it’s really the little things in life that count …so stock up on them and then chill out for at least one day!)
September 24: Humdinger Appreciation Day (Time to reveal some awesome, extraordinary, or striking person or thing that you encountered in your life that made you go ‘Wow’, ‘Whew’, ‘Whoa’ or whatnot)
September 25: National Doorknob Appreciation Day (A very overlooked little device that most of take for granted until we knock on a door without one!)
September 26: Tooth Fairy Awareness Day (In honor of all folks who hide their lost teeth under their pillows hoping that a pixie will drop by with the name of an affordable, pain-free dentist in the neighborhood)
September 27: Faucet Fetish Day (Time to check out all the plumbing boutiques to find the perfect faucet for one’s high-tech, soothing ablution center in one’s simple abode)
September 28: National Procrastination Day (Recognizes those who’ve made a vital contribution to the 360 degree “yes-but” feedback process, or demonstrated a singularly dedicated response to the amazing feat of optimizing the inevitable status quo)
September 29: Pennies-From-Heaven Day (Time to pay your favorite bills with your favorite copper coins of the realm!)
September 30: Naughty Foreign Word Day (What they don’t teach you on those foreign language tapes - Merde! …if you don’t know one…ask any toddler!)
About the Author
B. Blitterlees & E. Craboon can be found at the Court of The Quipping Queen
Manhattan is the lifeblood of New York City and has become tantamount with the city as a whole. The island of Manhattan itself is home to Wall Street, as well as a number of artistic and cultural hubs. The Island can be roughly separated into Downtown, Midtown and Uptown areas, each of which include a number of top-notch attractions.
Situated to the south of 14th Street, Downtown Manhattan is the home of the Financial District which runs along Wall Street, including the rebuilt World Trade Center and Battery Park, from which you can access the Statue of Liberty by ship. More than a few popular cultural areas downtown, including Greenwich Village Tribeca and Soho feature old architecture, trendy food and plenty of shopping. Another admired destination downtown is Manhattan, which runs along Canal Street.
Midtown area of New York is found between 14th Street and Central Park, and the location of a outstanding arts scene. The center|core|axis|hub|heart} of arts life in the metropolis is the Theater District which encompasses Broadway, Times Square and Hell’s Kitchen, as well as the Madame Tussaud’s. Midtown area of New York is a well-located area for travelers to stay as there are scores of hotels in the district. Other well liked sections consist of Gramercy Flat Iron, a cool residential district, as well as the fashion hub Chelsea District.
Dominated by Central Park, Upper Manhattan features the Tisch Children’s Zoo, the MET and quite a lot of museums all through the Upper East and West side. As well, the district is thehome to Columbia University in Morningside Heights, the notable Harlem neighborhood and Washington Heights.
Each of the Island’s unique areas carry their own sense of history, as well as well liked points of interest from top-notch arts to cuisine. A vacation to New York is not finished without a thorough tour of Manhattan’s greatest destinations. There is an excellent reason that the island has come to characterize the public face of the city. Manhattan is one of the world’s foremost cultural capitals and continues to lead the way in commercial and artistic trends.
Personal coaching is a therapy that has become incredibly used over the last ten years. The term personal coaching first became accepted in the United States of America where, together with Neuro Linguistic Programming, it became part of a regenerated magnificent wave of decidedly proactive therapy modalities.
In many ways both Lifestyle Coaching and NLP are a reaction against certain aspects of the Humanistic therapy movement, in particular Humanistic Counselling. A criticism of the humanistic therapy approach is that it is extraordinarily reactive and not decidedly proactive. Although all that works magnificent with some clients, with other folk long periods of no exit in sight or low return for time and effort occur. Success coaching and NLP are both human-centred therapy in stance, spending effort on improving a person?s well-being rather than jumping into the depths of childhood, like traditional psychology. Success coachings emphasis is, however, deliberately proactive and resolve issues. Easily Achieve offers coaching to help you Boost Confidence.
Personal coaching is not about telling the client what to do. This is a common misconception. Some lifestyle coaches are comparatively successful in their business careers and then make the cross over to lifestyle coaching, thinking that they will merely be required to share their pearls of super business wisdom with the client. Sharing pearls of wisdom is more like mentoring an apprentice in a specific environment. Success coaching is instead about life as a whole.
Dealing with a business that has a number of clients coming in each month can be a confusing thing to organize. There are several items to keep in line such as what client needs what, when they need it, and what exactly they’re looking for. In addition to looking solely at the client side there are staffing issues on your own end to manage as well. When it comes to the client however, there are issues such as their own personal website content management. Once again their hierarchy of needs, as far as what they need to provide for customers and what customers need to supply, requires organization and continual management. Fortunately the solution to such organizational issues can be solved with the help of an application customized to your specific needs.
The importance of this type of organization can mean that your site is managed much easier, which in turns allows your customers to access desired information immediately and effectively make contact and begin a business relationship. The more useful your user interface is the easier it is for clients to communicate with you and get the process going. Managing information and content within your business and your web presence, as with any organizational process, can only serve as improvement and success.
I Can’t WeightOne Man’s Diet
(From the book Spider’s Big Catch)
Gary E. Anderson
www.abciowa.com
Like many people, I’ve decided I need to take off a little weight from the holidaysthe holidays of six years ago. But I’ve never dieted before, so being a conscientious kinda guy, I logged into my favorite web browser for some advice.
I found 3,978,158,342 sites offering help with losing a few pounds. (In fact, I was so overwhelmed, I had to grab a sandwich before even tackling the search.) As a public service, I’ll try to encapsulate what I learned, although I may have gotten a little confused by some of the terminology.
Most of the sites spent considerable time talking about calories, so maybe we should start there. As far as I could make out, a calorie is defined as the amount of heat it takes to raise a gram of water from 58 degrees to 60 degrees Fahrenheit.
Immediately, that fact brought several questions to mind. First, who decided that? Why 58 to 60? That’s not even hot enough to take a bath in! Next, if one calorie raises the temperature of water 2 degrees, and the human body is 90% water, why don’t millions of Americans boil over during the holidays, after consuming billions of calories at one sitting?
That definition implies that a person should be able to eat a million calories a day, as long as he spaced them out, to avoid boiling over. You could eat, let your body cool back down, then eat a bunch more, and never gain any weight - it made sense to me.
That concept must be common knowledge to the world at large, which would explain why you so rarely see people boil over in public. But since I’m new to this dieting business, it came as exciting news for me.
It’s amazing how one fact like learning how calories are measured can make so many other things fall into place. Based on that knowledge, one could offer an explanation for one of the strangest mysteries affecting human beings — spontaneous combustion. I’m willing to wager that if investigators carefully checked the area next to the easy chair where the victim had burst into flames, they’d find a half-eaten chocolate éclair or cream-filled doughnut. That last rush of calories was probably just what it took to send that poor person’s body over the edge. The result? A pile of ash, and a half-eaten bear claw.
Based on my research, here’s my recommendation: I call it my “Don’t Boil Over” diet. You can eat all you want, as long as it doesn’t contain enough calories to push your temperature above 212 degrees Fahrenheit. And be careful not to drink too much hot stuff while you’re eating, since you never know when you might be going too far.
And one last caution: by all means, if you smell smoke, back off!
There you have it. Feel free to pass it on to your friends, especially those who’ve looked like they might be smoldering from time to time. Who knows? You just might be saving them the embarrassment of bursting into flames at the next church potluck.
© 2004. Gary E. Anderson. All rights reserved.
About the Author
Gary Anderson is a freelance writer, editor, ghostwriter, and manuscript analyst, living on a small Iowa farm. He’s published more than 500 articles and four books. He’s also ghosted a dozen books, edited more than 30 full-length manuscripts, produced seven newsletters, and has done more than 800 manuscript reviews for various publishers around the nation. If you need writing or editing help, visit Gary’s website at www.abciowa.com.
Many small business owners are disappointed by the ability of their web sites to generate new business. Simply having a web site does not guarantee its effectiveness as a marketing tool. If your web site is unable to consistently generate new leads and prospects you may well be disappointed in your investment in your web site. Does this sound familiar? If so, you may be making one of several common mistakes made by small business owners when they decide to turn to the web for more business. Here are five common mistakes that can hinder the marketing performance of your web site.
Failure to Measure Traffic
Every so often when I speak with someone who is dismayed at their web site’s ability to generate revenue I am surprised when they tell me they don’t know how many people visit their site each month, day, hour, etc. Measuring the traffic to and through your web site is critical for understanding the marketing prowess of your web design and the effectiveness of your advertising efforts.
If your web site enjoys lots of traffic, say over 1000 visitors a day, but generates one or two sales a month you can be pretty sure there is a deficiency in your web design. If you are not measuring traffic to your site you do not provide yourself an opportunity to identify and correct the problem. Your web design should lend itself to helping you get your visitors to take the action you want, buy something or provide you their valuable contact information.
On the other hand, if your web site generates a small amount of sales and you don’t know that only fifty people are visiting your site each month you deny yourself the ability to realize that you have a fantastic web site and that marketing it better will lead to a significant increase in revenue.
If you are not measuring your web site’s traffic you are missing opportunities to increase your ability to generate sales and be more successful. Two providers of web metrics are webtrends.com and webstat.com.
Poor marketing message
Another reason web sites fail to sell is that they do not do a good job of delivering a compelling marketing message. Without an excellent marketing message you risk your visitors hopping off to another web site because they do not know that you have what they want or need.
One sign that you may have a less than stellar marketing message is that it does not speak directly to the consumers who become your clients. Your marketing message should identify exactly whom you help. If you help more than one population you can easily cater your marketing message by changing just a word or two. Be sure your marketing message clearly indicates whom you help and you will notice an improvement in you sales success.
Another sign that your marketing message is not hitting a homerun is that it does not clearly demonstrate that you provide what your customers seek. If you sell handbags and your marketing message is “glamour can be yours” then you are missing the boat as this marketing message fails to indicate at all that you sell handbags.
To correct a dysfunctional marketing message make sure it clearly identifies your target market and the results they seek. Once you have a great marketing message you can use it in your web site and your other marketing material as well.
Don’t See Big Picture
Another common shortcoming of small business web sites is that many fail to realize a fundamental marketing concept: most consumers who make a decision to buy something make the decision to do so after 6 - 8 contacts with some form of marketing for a particular product or service. Failing to realize and act upon this marketing fact will hinder your ability to grow your business.
The purpose of marketing is to establish your business in the marketplace so that consumers think of you when they are ready to act to fill a need or desire. By regularly getting your marketing message in front of your market you can help them associate what you do with what they need. You can also attract more clients by demonstrating your expertise to clients in your marketing material.
Poor design
Do visitors to your web site do what you want them to do? If they are not it may be the design of your web site that is preventing your visitors from taking the action you want them to take. The design of each of your web pages is instrumental in guiding the actions of your visitors.
So what constitutes good design? Good design stems from the skillful integration of graphical and textual layout, color, shape and choice and flow of content. If your site does not have the content your visitors seek you will strike out each time someone visits your page. If your web pages don’t put what you want your visitors to see immediately in front of them you will miss opportunities to sell. If your choice of fonts and colors make your pages difficult to read your visitors will likely move along to another web site they can understand more easily.
To identify if your web pages suffer from poor design ask yourself the following questions:
Does my text stand out over my background color?
Does the design of my site focus my visitor’s attention where I want it?
Does my content give my users what they want?
If you answered ‘No’ to any of the questions above you can improve your ability to get your users to do what you want by taking steps to correct anything that may be wrong.
Failure to Focus on Client Needs
When people visit your web site you want them to read through the content of your site. By doing so your visitors develop a sense of how your product or service can help them. If your copy doesn’t focus on your clients’ needs and desires they will be off to another site in a blink.
If your visitors are quickly leaving your web site it may be because your copy does not focus on their needs. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:
Don’t focus on the process or method you use to do your job
Don’t focus on your existing clients
Don’t focus on your experience
Don’t focus on the quality of your product
By making any of the above mistakes you detract attention from the reasons that are going to help your clients make the decision to buy from you. You may be very proud of your accomplishments, and you should be, but focusing on them does not address your clients’ needs and will do little to help you sell more effectively.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
The author, Jeremy Cohen, helps small business owners attract more clients, grow their businesses and be more successful with his marketing services and free marketing guide, “Jumpstart Marketing: More Prospects, Clients and Success.” Get the guide at:
www.bettermarketingresults.com
